John and Mary went to see a psychologist to undergo therapy because of Mary’s “pathological jealousy”, as John called it. He expected it to help Mary “pull herself together” quickly, as he couldn’t stand it any longer. Mary agreed with this – she felt that she wasn’t jealous before, but since John and his new female colleague (Sunet) have been having long after-hour telephonic discussions, and he’s been leaving the room regularly, she’s been experiencing an uncontrollable jealous feeling.
Initially, Mary wasn’t worried about these conversations, but the more John left the room and came back (quite a while later) with a contented expression on his face, the more the anxiety set in. She started thinking that John was participating in an ongoing affair with this woman and that he found someone better suited to him than herself – she was convinced that he was about to leave her. At times she felt her heart bouncing in her chest, her palms were sweaty and it felt like her thoughts were whirling around uncontrollably in her head – she felt like fainting from anxiety. She decided to tell John nothing, though, and just see how he reacts.
Suddenly, she started feeling suspicious about everything John did. When he arrived at home late, she thought that he and Sunet met each other somewhere after work. John meanwhile noticed that Mary was acting strange – she seemed worried about something, absent-minded and tense. It also seemed as if she was angry with him about something, but he couldn’t quite understand what. Despite the fact that he arrived with flowers from time to time, she barely reacted and put it aside in a vase. He was baffled and hurt by her behaviour. As time went by, he started distancing himself from her – growing quiet and resentful – she showed so little appreciation for his displays of affection and regularly avoided him physically while being high-strung and broody. She tried exceedingly to suppress these feelings, but this seemed to make her feel worse.
Mary was convinced that John’s detached behaviour confirmed his deceit and the fact that he shared more with his colleague than with her. She envisaged the two talking, acting warmly and openly towards each other. Her feelings persisted and increased during the following months. She felt highly suspicious towards his behaviour – convinced also, that they communicated via e-mail after she went to bed. When he answered a call and left the room to resume the conversation, she often got irrepressibly anxious, feeling as if her emotions were spiralling out of control.
She described it as follows:
“I wish I were able to be calm and composed about it, but the pain was just too deep. I felt like I was rendered completely powerless by a feeling of anxiety which had me feeling hysteric. It felt as if John deceived and rejected me, like I wasn’t good enough – someone else provided him with better company, excited him, and stimulated him intellectually. I started questioning his every action, which, in turn, made me feel horribly guilty”.
During the following months, Mary started accusing John of having an extra-marital relationship with Sunet. Her accusations made him furious and he defended himself vehemently. “How am I supposed to do my work properly if I can’t communicate with my colleagues? Does she want me to lose my job? Can’t I talk to any woman?”
His reaction made Mary even more jealous. “It means that he wants to exclude me on purpose – from what? He does seem to be communicating with her in secret – then something horrible must be happening?”
Above is an example that illustrates the dynamics of jealousy. Jealousy is a very complex reaction to the experience of a threat to a valuable relationship. Most people experience jealousy of different levels at one point in their lives (approximately a third of couples who undergo marriage counselling, struggle with the problems posed by jealousy).
Three types of internal reactions occur and may include:
- Emotion: Anxiety, pain, anger, embarrassment, powerlessness, frustration, feeling of betrayal, hatred, weakness, self-loathing, inadequacy.
- Thoughts: Regrets, self-loathing, comparison: “I’m not as pretty, intelligent, successful as she is; they share a long history”, self-pity: “I am completely alone, no-one can love me”, fear of embarrassment: “What are my friends going to think of me as a wife? I’m not a good enough wife”.
- Physical symptoms: Blood rushing through ears/head, sweaty/shaking hands, shortness of breath, stomach aches, dizziness, sleeplessness, appetite loss, nightmares.
External reactions are more visible and manifest in behaviour, e.g. isolation, screaming, crying, joking, being sarcastic, discussion of the problem, revenge, physically walking away, aggressive behaviour, serious relationship problems.
Proneness to jealousy can be caused by many factors:
- An event, during one’s childhood, in which trust was betrayed.
- A bad relationship with one or both parents as a child.
- Cultural perceptions
- A recent event, involving trust, in which one was hurt.
Jealousy catalysts:
- Your partner has a female friend with whom he shares emotions and opinions from which you are excluded.
- Your partner is often among available women.
- Your partner often assists other women in their problems.
- Your partner makes comments about women you see in public (e.g. celebrities).
- Your partner speaks positively about other women (e.g. tells you how much he enjoys their company.
- Your partner openly flirts with other women / other women flirt openly with him.
- Your partner has conversations with women without sharing any of its content with you.
- Your partner openly expresses admiration for a woman by whom you feel threatened or around whom you feel inadequate.
From a psychological viewpoint:
There are many theories which attempt to explain the different aspects of jealousy:
- Wound-inflicting childhood traumas involving trust can cause one to be more sensitive towards threatening situations – thus, it is important to explore and understand your unique wounds.
- The basis on which you have chosen your partner, plays an important role in the dynamics of the relationship. This basis, once again, involves the perceptions we developed as children of our parents and how they display love and trust.
- The dynamics of the relationship (considering both parties’ individual childhood wounds) – in the above example, for instance, one partner’s anxiety serves as a trigger for the other to become withdrawn which, in turn, worsens her anxiety.
General advice on coping with jealousy:
- Accept that it is both parties’ problem, to be approached by both of you, as a team – it is not only one person’s problem. Each party plays a role and has a responsibility to improve the situation.
- Try to remove yourself from the crucible of the situation before trying to improve it, i.e. don’t attempt communicating or sorting your thoughts before you find yourself in an emotionally safe place. Breathe deeply, leave the room physically, listen to music, pick up the kids – do something that distracts you enough for thorough introspection in order for yourself to be able to take control instead of being overwhelmed and dominated by momentary anxiety, which could result in an outburst and further miscommunication.
- Remember that one shouldn’t react blindly to every thought or emotion – he might enjoy talking to his colleague and likes her, but that doesn’t mean that he is going to choose her over you or reject you. Thought and emotion doesn’t have to turn into immediate action.
- Inspect yourself and try to determine exactly what it is that is causing you to suffer.
E.g.: Fear of abandonment; Fear of being replaced; fear of incompetence/inadequacy; fear of embarrassment; fear of losing your partner; envy; a feeling of being threatened by your partner’s friend. - Question the root of these feelings. Are there perhaps specific reasons for you to experience this emotion so severely? Have you perhaps had a bad experience involving deceit?
- Accept that certain aspects of your relationship aren’t going to change, that certain aspects can be changed and that you will have to explore, communicate and reach compromises together.
- Ensure that you involve each other in all your plans (this doesn’t mean incessant reporting, but rather a confirmation of loyalty) and be honest.
E.g.: “I have to call Sunet quickly, I’ll be right back then we can have coffee together”
Rather say: “Sorry I’m late – Sunet and I had to discuss work. I know you don’t like it and feel anxious about it. Can I hold you so you know I’m really yours?” than being avoiding: “I’m late because I had to discuss work with Peter.” - Communicate about this regularly. Decide on a time when you will discuss it in an emotionally safe place rather than overwhelming each other with emotion and words:
- Each party gets an opportunity to express his/her views on the situation.
- The person talking can’t attack, blame, be sarcastic or defensive. He/she should simply express his/her needs and feelings in calm, honest terms.
- State your emotions correctly – as something you experience.
E.g.: “I feel threatened when you have such long conversations with your female colleague”; “ I feel anxious and excluded when you communicate secretly with other woman on chat sites”; “When you come home late, I feel anxious. I’m scared of losing you” Try to begin your sentences with statements that explain your emotions, in stead of attacks. “You’ve been talking to that woman for too long again and you know it bothers me!” is attacking and doesn’t focus on your experience of the situation. It can cause further dispute, as your partner now feels the need to act defensively.
- Allow your partner to show that he understands “It sounds as if you feel very hurt when I…” or “So you feel threatened when Sunet phones and I’m busy for so long?” Your partner can also not defend, attack, blame or be sarcastic.
- When you’re sure your partner is listening attentively, state your need very clearly:
“I have a need that, when you talk to Sunet over the phone, you say something that indicates the fact that I’m close by / your wife / you’re loyal to me”.
E.g.: “ Mary and I are planning our vacation” or “Mary and I also enjoy going for walks”
or “ I need you to hold my hand or touch me when we are at one of your work functions and Sunet is nearby.”
In order for you to make your need clear to your partner, you’ll have to think it through thoroughly and realistically. Keep in mind that your partner might ask that you reach a compromise regarding your request. He might, for instance, say that it is essential for him to communicate with his colleague after hours, but that he’s willing to stay in the room and mention you in the conversation. He might say: “ as long as I don’t have to feel uneasy about forgetting to mention your name the whole time.” Compromise doesn’t entail a drastic change of personality or actions, but tact towards one another’s needs and diligent work towards a realistic solution that suits both parties.
- Should you be the one having to attend and listen to your partner’s experience of jealousy, remember that it is hard to inspect and express such feelings. Show that you are not indifferent towards it and that you accept your partner’s emotions.
- Remember that it’s not an attack on your behaviour or who you are, but simply emotions being shared. Try to place yourself in your partner’s shoes for the moment and even for a week or two afterwards, try to imagine how it would affect you if he/she was the one having long, private conversations with a colleague (or whatever the case may be).
- Accept that it is a difficult, but not insurmountable task to undertake and expect feelings of confusion and frustration to emerge while your working on it.
- Try to understand your partner’s childhood and adult wounds – no-one asks for them. Try to understand that your partner is suffering, acknowledge his/her attempt to work on the problem. Accept that you have to work on understanding your role in the interaction as well, assure him/her that he/she can talk about her/his problem and needs more and that you will try to listen to and grasp them.
- Apply introspection and inspect how your behaviour might contribute to your partner’s reaction.
- Are you unintentionally causing your partner to doubt your loyalty?
- How do you react towards your partner’s jealousy? Can your reaction perhaps cause more insecurity involving your devotion to the relationship?
- Control your mindset (and so your behaviour) by monitoring, evaluating and adjusting your thoughts:
- Replace: “He doesn’t love me anymore, that’s why is acting like this. I’m not worth anyone’s love.”
with: “I know he loves me, I’m sure he has a reason fo acting like he does.” - Replace: “I am completely alone. No-one loves me.”
with “ I know there are people in my life who loves me.
- Replace: “This hurts so much. It’s not worth it to be in a relationship/to live.”
with “This hurts so much, I’m going to be good to myself/I owe myself some pampering.”
- Replace: “I am suffering so much – I have no control over my actions”
with “I am experiencing pain. I know it isn’t easy, but I can learn something and grow from this. I am, after all, in control of my emotions”
Jealousy is complex and can be part of an interaction for a very long time. It is not a monster or a weakness – rather a form of communication of old wounds, insecurities and fear.
An intimate, long term relationship is the only place where this type of healing is possible. Persistent work on the expression of emotion, listening, empathy, introspection, adjustment of destructive thoughts and a reciprocal understanding of each other, can serve as a very valuable learning process for the couple and the individual. If the couple approaches this problem right, it can bring them closer together and create an emotionally intimate relationship.