Something has been going on: more men than women are killing themselves. Even stranger – we seem to accept this.
- The successful suicide rate for men is 2 to 6 times higher that that of women. Exact numbers depend on the geographical area as well as the age group being assessed.
- In NZ the highest rates of suicide for men are in the following age groups:
- 20 – 24
- 45 – 49
- Over 65
- Suicide in males has increased 30 % over past 3 decades.
- Males are less likely to warn before they kill themselves.
- Men are inclined to use more lethal and successful methods than women.
What does it look like when men are depressed?
- Men deal with mood disorders (depression; anxiety) differently from women.
- Men do not easily say they are depressed!
- They are inclined to withdraw – this can look like they have built a wall around them and are difficult to access. They may also withdraw by focusing excessively on other activities that keep them distracted, like gaming, excessively watching or participating in sport or by self-medicating with alcohol or other mind-altering substances.
- They may appear emotionally blunted, even suspicious or guarded.
- They don’t easily complain about a low mood, may appear more quiet than usual and may deny that they are feeling depressed.
- They may show a lack of energy, sleeping more or poorly and have a poor libido.
- They may appear agitated, angry and restless.
- They may be having impaired decision-making, may be clumsy and also more inclined to take risks.
- They have suicidal thoughts and may self-harm in an impulsive moment and often express intense feelings of shame.
- Men act, they are do-ers – they often act on their impulse within 10 minutes when the risk is high.
Which factors play a role in men becoming and staying depressed and committing suicide?
The difficult life events that appear to affect men more severely than women are:
- Break-ups of intimate relationships.
- Loss of their ability to provide.
- Losing easy access to their children.
- Custody battles.
Coroner’s reports of cases of successful suicide show antecedent feelings of extreme hopelessness, lack of purpose, feeling rejected and defective, loss of the ability to stay connected, solve their loved ones’ problems, provide and protect.
Men seem to believe:
- They should be strong and in control.
- Feeling depressed is the worst weakness.
- Talking about their feelings of depression makes them extremely vulnerable.
- Seeking help is weak.
- They are a failure, defective.
- They have to be self-reliant at all costs.
- They have failed their tribe.
- Self-compassion is a taboo.
- There is no hope, they are defeated and trapped.
- Others cannot stand to see them as being weak and would rather be without them.
- Others expect of them to know how to solve everything, just deal with adversities and be OK.
Will men seek help and what are they likely to encounter when they do?
Research shows that men who feel so humiliated, defective and ashamed, are not likely to seek help. They are not likely to share how they feel, but often express that they wished that clinicians asked them more questions about what they experience.
Research also shows that, on average, clinicians spend less time with males, ask less questions and explain less to males – we seem to expect them to know more answers. We seem to expect of them to “Man-up” and fix their problem. Because they don’t complain or don’t express their pain, and because it suits us, we believe that they are not feeling pain.
Their pain is often dismissed.
- Men also seldom tell their mates and feel extremely vulnerable and ashamed when the topic is discussed. On the other hand – speaking to their friends is easy for women. They easily vent, share, are more often comforted and supported.
- Men find it difficult to articulate their feelings and needs (emphasis on self-reliance).
Why are we not protesting about this?
As a society, we expect men to risk their lives – we send them to war, appoint them in hazardous positions, expect of them to persevere in extreme physical or emotional situations, send them out to find out what dangers lie ahead, cheer them on when they are competing in dangerous sports, value them when they don’t value their lives.
Another perspective may be that we appear to be confused with the “hardware” (biology) and the “software” (societal views) of masculinity itself:
- We seem to regard them as being taught, shaped by societal norms to play the traditional masculine role, as opposed to regarding their masculinity as a part of their biological, genetically expressed blueprint.
- Women’s rights movements appear to regard their masculinity as a ploy to get more power over women and in society, as opposed to understanding the facts of the effects of their biological hardware.
- Women’s rights movements have been right to fight for the rights of women. It unfortunately appears as if the movements have swung past a balanced midway and has poured vast energy into regarding men as a group, as the enemy and women as the victims.
- In doing so, society appears to ignore what men are struggling with, how men are negatively impacted on.
- Men as a group are described as oppressors, predators, patriarchs, and power hungry, rapists.
- But perhaps men are actually different form women – have different strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps men are mostly trying to do good and have a lot to offer society – alongside women, as partners, fathers, brothers.
- What if men are men because of their biological hardware?
There is a double standard in this approach – we regard men as valuable because of their strength and linear thinking during stressful situations (i.e. fending off the enemy), but we criticize them because they are tough.
What does men’s biological hardware look like?
Testosterone (the male sex hormone) has effects on each cell in the body. It has the following effects:
- Men have bigger larynxes and deeper voices, bigger hands, bigger muscle volume all over their bodies.
- Men have much more upper body strength.
- Men have differences in amounts and activity of some enzymes in their bodies.
- The HPA axis (that drives the chain of events leading to the fight or flight reaction) appears to be more activated / in a slightly aroused state most of the time.
- Men seem to better at linear (processing one fact at a time) and analytical thinking and seem to come to practical solutions that way.
- Men appear to be able to contain their emotions better during a stressful situation and focus on a solution.
- Men appear to need time to process and integrate on their own, as opposed to reaching out to social support. They need time alone to rebound.
- Oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone) reduces the feeling of being under stress for men.
- Men appear to worry less, complain less, and focus more on solutions.
- Men use physical activity and play as learning experiences, to release stress, release emotions and feel competent when doing this.
- Men often have a practical; solutions focussed approach and feel competent when doing this.
- Men appear to be emotionally very dependent on their connection with their partners and children.
What can we do to reduce depression and suicide in males?
I propose the following:
- Pay attention; be attuned to what is going on for them.
- Actively encourage conversation and listen with curiosity and attentiveness to what they have to say about their experience and hopes as males.
- Acknowledge their ability and need to contain their emotions. Validate this as a way of protecting themselves and others. Encourage them to develop their skills of dealing with emotions so that they eventually have more options when managing emotions.
- Actively develop their ability to engage in conversations, connect with their partners and children. Develop theirs skills of expressing their needs accurately and negotiate to have needs met in relationships.
- Develop men, women and children’s awareness of how the different sexes can talk more, engage more with each other and understand and value each other more, focussing on our shared goals and needs, building our societies.
- Actively help them regain their sense of value, purpose and meaning as men.
- The Homegrown Heroes workshop is packed with skills for men. Read the next article for more information.